Making Cockade

It was 4.20 in the Riddled office, which had relocated for convenience to the Wigglesworth lounge at the Old Entomologist, where we were trying to watch "Inanimate Objects Cage Match" on the Sports TV, despite the stream of interruptions.

First it was an albatross carrying a dildo in its beak, tapping at the window to ask directions to the 15th Century, where it was supposed to appear in a production of "Horology -- the 13 Clocks & the Wonderful O" (an early Renaissance farce, Twain Thumbes Upp from the Nuremberg Chronicle, Ye Banquette Skene was one laughfe one minuet). We gave it directions and the perfidious albatross was on its way. Not much had happened in the TV sports; neither pen nor sword had made a move despite the high expectations for the former.

Then tigris turned up in a huff which she left parked outside. "Did either of you happen to read the comment from Rurritable in last week's Arachnophobia thread?" she asked, accusative and tense.

"Oh no," Another Kiwi vouchsafed. "We never read comments. That's a job for Little Tim the intern."

"Then he writes witty comments in our names," I said, "while we sit under the trees in the garden bar quaffing Roggen-Wolfen-Dunkel-Weizen-Spezial. The duties are strictly demarcated, it is only fair."
"You should read it," tigris explained, so we obeyed. The comment links to a Rawstory post which simply echoes a post at some Medical clickbait site which in turn quoted a video in which an Australian evolutionary biologist opened his facehole and let the stupid out. And I was all "I don't even" and AK was all "Finish your Roggen-Wolfen-Dunkel-Weizen-Spezial, you'll feel better."

I am not making this up:

The environment in which humans live in also factors in penis size. Early humans had to endure freezing temperatures that were more tolerable due to large penises, which release heat. The human penis helped regulate body temperature keeping it warm and cool.

It warms and it cools, penes are magic! I am the satyr in the painting, suspicious of the blowing on things to warm them and to cool them, breath is magic too! It is a pity that 50% of our early human ancestors did not have large penes so they never survived the icy conditions of equatorial Africa.

"I can only surmise," AK vouchsafed, "that Curnoe was influenced by Alex Werth's discovery that bowhead whales have a 12-foot organ of erectile spongiform tissue inside their mouths which they use to dump excess body heat."
"I remember that story," I said. "Didn't we put Greenish Hugh in the Evolvamat to trigger his dormant genes and see where he would develop erectile spongiform tissue, and with what function?" We shared a chuckle over the memory of Evangeline van Holsterin's reaction when Greenish Hugh tried to drink a beer after the experiment. The full implications of Werth's observation for the field of cetacean asphyxiation porn and auto-erotic bondage remain to be seen.
Anyway, back to the clickbait article:

Whether you’re a couple of inches more or less than the average penis size, chances are you’re a lot larger than your primate cousins.

"I should have thought," I said, "that at most 50% of readers would have larger penes than non-human primates."

"Rawstory and Medical Daily don't have female readers," AK explained; "they all died of poor body-temperature control."

"Buggrit -- we missed the end of Pen vs. Sword. Now they've moved on to Egg vs. Chicken. Egg seems to have the advantage."

"Switch channels," AK suggested. "They should be setting up the nets for Piscine Tennis about now on the other channel."

"Sea-horses are shite tennis-players," I opined.