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Making silver linings out of sow's ears

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Just look at the bollocks some opinionator wrote for a NZ weekend fishwrap, and was understandably too embarrassed to sign a name to:


The claim that
Boris Johnson moved to take power in Britain last night as he assembled a dream team to renegotiate relations with Europe and the world
is perhaps bleed-through from an alternative time-line, or was written well in advance and then forcibly adapted to circumstances, since the "dream team" turns out to amount to BoJo himself, plus Gove. That is to say, a pair of career pundits in search of more lucrative political careers who resent expertise and who can't be arsed planning how to exit through their own front doors, let alone from the EU. I suppose "world of fantasy" is a kind of dream.
Planned exits: Much over-rated
And then there was this exercise in consolation:
NZ Initiative executive director Oliver Hartwich said there were potential benefits for Kiwis, but we shouldn’t expect anything to happen overnight.
[...]
Hartwich said it could become a lot easier for New Zealanders with a travel bug to nab themselves a visa – but this all depended on who took over from Cameron.
‘‘Should it be Boris, he’s gone on and on about making it easier for Kiwis to go to the UK,’’ Hartwich said.
‘‘If you’re hoping for better visa availability, you should definitely be in the Boris Johnson boat.’’
Because if there's one thing we know about Johnson, is that he's a man of his word.
[Right]: Victorious Johnson as
depicted by SST journamalist
[Left]: Actuality. Reporters seek
interview; Johnson not to be found

Post truth, post hole

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It seems that we live in the era of "post truth" politicians. An interesting take on the matter, considering the amount of lying that has gone on in recorded history. Perhaps a more accurate description would be the Couldn't Give a Bugger About the Truth era? It would certainly enliven future textbooks about the early 21st Century.
 "At this point it became obvious just how few buggers were actually given by politicians as it was conclusively proven that Trump was of an alien species but his voters continued to say he connected with real heartland Americans".
 New Zild has had its own share of non-fact-connected politicians but the current Prime Minister must be in the top 5 in the top No Buggers Given list. In the past he has opined about all and sundry with no scraps of credibility or knowledge to impede his decision making. For instance we know he has peed in the shower but not masturbated, he thinks Iraq is a safe place and he would not have shot the Gorilla. Many of his National party colleagues breathed a little easier after that one.
But he doesn't just limit himself to shower antics or zoo animal preservation, he also comments upon things that are central to the modern, go ahead Conservative government he leads.
Conservative governments have a bit of a checklist of things they will do, a comment I have made on this blog before, hopping into the poor people, lowering taxes for rich people and helping businesses to oppress their workers etcetera, etcetera.
This government has ticked all of those boxes and made a special point of Great Specialnesss about how they had "reformed" employment laws with the introduction of the 90 day rule. After they realised that this not a relaxation of the 4 second, dropping food on the floor rule, many New Zilders reacted with "Wahhht... my...did...rugby on". Unbeknownst to them the government had introduced legislation that allowed people to be employed for 90 days at low pay rates and even more excitingly dismissed with no reason and no backsies at any time in the 90 days.
At the time this was greeted by government spinners and lackies as a Great Leap Forward for industrial relations and the benefits would flow to all and young folks would get jobs and possibly everyone would get a panda to keep as a pet.  
Of course, it did no such things.
Five years on from the introduction of the 90 days rules a Treasury report has concluded that the introduction of the 90 day rule has had little to no affect on NZ employment issues. This is the Treasury, mind you, Friedmanites to the core and paid for by the Gubblement to find shit out when the troooooth is needed.
So the PM was in a bind, since his fairytale did not have the right ending and the people collecting the data are his inquisitorial shocktroops. Brilliantly he ignored that dumb ole report. People, he said, talked to him all the time as he went around NZ  and they said it had gone swimmingly and everyone was happy as two clams in whatever place would make clams happy. So there! To make sure that The Base would get what he was on about he noted.
"You can have a piece of academic research but it's quite different from the small cafe owner whose money is on the line, who is taking the risks and who actually rely on this kind of policy.
Academics amirite?
Still, quite brave of him to bring up small cafes after the ponytail pulling incidents of last year. But he is nothing if not something or other.


You have been identified

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They're onto us! Quick, AK, reformat the hard-disk while I empty the till!

You have been identified as a potential

Of course it would be nice to know who identified us. Intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic? A stalker? The lidless red eye of Sauron? I'm sure I turned off the webcam on the palantír.

You have been identified as a potential author: JCRO

Oh the relief, it is just those lovable scamps at PeerTechz Jizzmop Journals soliciting for moneys in a fulsome exudation of flattery:

Dear XXXXXXXX,
Greetings for the day!
Peertechz was launched this Journal to support the Open Access in the way of publishing manuscripts, new technics and methods in science. Journal of Clinical Research and Ophthalmology (ISSN: ISSN: 2455-1414) published articles are freely available online to the readers for life time.
The journal encourages the authors to publish their manuscripts in a large Open Access network: Peertechz and its looking for the manuscripts from selective scientists like you who have enormously contributed to the scientific community.
It would really be grateful to you if you can send us energetic and enthusiastic submission to successfully release the upcoming issue. Send us any type of article to increase the visibility of the Journal of Clinical Research and Ophthalmology.
The manuscript format instructions can be found at Guidelines tab in the journal homepage.
If you are interested, please respond us on or before 48 hours and send your paper by July 15th, 2016.
Should you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.
We are looking forward to have valuable submission from you soon.
Best regards,
Saurabh R
Journal Managing Editor
Editorial Office-Peertechz.com
Tel: +91 40 23833479
Email:
mail.ophthalmology@peertechz.com; ophthalmology1.peertechz@gmail.com
Please Note: This is not a spam message and has been sent to you because of your eminence in the field. This email and any attachment may contain private and confidential information. Do not share without Peertechz.com’s approval. If you have received this message in error, please notify the sender and delete the email and any attachment. If you do not want to hear from us please unsubscribe at: http://peertechz.com/unsubscribe.php.
----------------------------------------------------------
The skeezy little grifter behind PeerTechz, Rajesh Varma Datla, is Hyderabad-based and presumably an alumnus of the OMICS juggernautical clown-car. However, he seems to have learned his English and his spam template (as well as his business model) from the family of scammers who run the Austin Publishing Group, for the typical spamwaves from Austin begin with the same "Greetings for the day!" and end with the same unconvincing assurance that the spam you are reading is, in fact, not a spam.

Perhaps it is a pipe.

UPDATE: Even at the bottom of the barrel there are levels of badness. A few seconds of idle browsing reveals a paper that emerged through the Peertechz pukefunnel in mid-March, and was promptly plagiarised for an OMICS spigot before the month was out.

Searching for Celine #2 We have a machine down there that splits up any smell into its sub- and inter-smells the way you can split up a beam of light with a glass instrument. It is very interesting and edifying, you would not believe the dirty smells that are inside the perfume of a lovely lily-of-the-mountain

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Normally here at the Riddled Pantechnicon of Stupid we would smile Reillyryely wryly at Ninapharm of Paris and its skin-whitening pomegranate elixir, encapsulated in liposomic nanotech to penetrate the skin cells and revivify their mitochondria (all the Alt-Med cool kids have added liposomes to their scammocopeia). For it hardly seems sporting to ridicule the cosmetics industry; poking the borax at some barmpot's state-of-the-edge cutting-art Leprechaun-sperm Anti-Aging face cream is too much like shooting low-hanging red herrings at the bottom of the barrel. The cosmetic industry is meeting the customers' demands for magical-thinking-inna-bottle, and if one dream-pedlary didn't oblige, some other company would.
Extracting a watermelon
Not to mention their ActiSOD (watermelon extract) and the OXYlia (weight-loss antioxidant beans / olives / rosemary extract). When Riddled Enterprises brings out our own face cream it will be called Mundus Vult de Cipi for added Frenchyness.

Inevitably some people take their love for phytochemicals too far, and start administering the rejuvenating antioxidant juices to targeted areas of skin, but society does not approve.

Sockpuppets
But today is different from all other times, for Ninapharm leads to the phenomenon of Digital Olfaction. Follow me along the road! Though long, it is scenic, adorned with quaint Potemkin Villages with well-kept astroturf lawns, where qualifications reverberate and sockpuppets still follow their age-old way of life.

"Most excellent!" we thought on first reading of the 3rd World Congress of the Digital Olfaction Society. "Those experiments when we shut Little Tim in the Evolvamat and his sense of smell migrated from his nose to his fingertips, they will not be wasted, but can become a conference presentation!"
Is this the way to the
Scented Garden for the Blind?

On closer attention, alas, "digital olfaction" turned out to be the age-old dream of analysing a fragrance into its basic elements, like the three component colours of trichromatic vision, so that smells can be recorded, for nostalgic re-creation or for transmission as aromatic telepresence.

This is the dream of Smell-o-Vision and Polyester's Odorama, and of the Feelies before that (and no doubt of many a Victorian Retrofuture even earlier).¹ Which worked so well in those previous versions that a Japanese dude re-invented the idea in 2006, to the delight of lazy journalists. And despite the absence of technical developments, the Digital Olfactory circuses are reliable sources of entertainment.

Press releases for these meetings quote its founder (Dr Marvin Edeas) and emanate from a Mlle. Céline Mercier at
Kanaya Bldg 4F, 4-11-3, Hatchobori Chuo-ku 104-0032
Tokyo - Japan
Tel : 03 3552 5277
olfaction@takayama-site.com
But despite the Japonaiserie of the address and phone, the Digital Olfactory Society domain (orrather, domains) were registered in France, by one Céline Joubet, on behalf of the Paris-based Takayama Agency. We seem to have fallen through the frayed fabric that divides reality from the fictive realm, and found ourselves in a retrofuture... not the Victorian way the world would be, but the 1980s version, of Bladerunner and Rising Sun and Neuromancer. All vat-grown ninjas and cyborg yakuzi and tentacle-porn sushi, when Japanese techno-economic prowess were going to dominate global culture and nation-states would cede place to Zaibatsu corporate empires. Remember that future?

The Takayama Agency specialise in organising and advertising conferences, and as Céline Mercier, sending out their press releases. They organise a lot of them, and helpfully set up domains and websites for the interested scholarly groups, a lot of them, if not the scholarly groups themselves. As the Takayama Publishing Group they handle those groups' journals, and the conference proceedings. They are associated with Dr Marvin Edeas (see above), whose co-author on a book chapter -- one Anne-Sophie Mailfert -- owns the Takayama domain.

So it is natural to find them sharing that office in the Kanaya Building. But we are concerned about working condition within the crowded boiler-room premises, for our judicial inquiries reveal a diverse range of other concerns operating out of the same address:

 - Axialys Innovations. Axialys are Ninapharm's liposome department, Created in 2006 with the backing of internationally-renowned anti-oxidant specialist, the company blends the innovation of a start-up with the long-standing business experience of a key industry player.

 - Viqua R&D, pomegranate processing needs moar research.

 - Aquoscare -- some other cosmetics ingredient -- OH NOES THEY ARE HARVESTING MERMAIDS FOR OIL
 - The Oceanic Science Institute -- Those "scientific catches" they conduct, they are a necessary part of research into mermaid populations.

 - Three research laboratories. At the Delhea Project, Dr. Mizuho Nasu is a pharmacist who works on health product formulation [and] introduces the importance of brain satisfaction to succeed sustainable healthy style of life -- specifically, inventing weightloss sweets for the Mexican obesity market.
Mirei International's Innovation Labois managed since 2003 by Dr. Mizuho Nasu, who graduated from Keio University pharmacology department in biochemistry. After a successful experience on sales and marketing in the pharmaceutical field, Dr. Nasu joined Innovation Labo to give a global research dimension to the company.
While as CEO of Sanki-Mayor, Mizuho Nasu oversees the repackaging of Ninapharm's ingredients:
scientists have developed a combination of nutraceuticals: Kronuit and BelAge, made from the Oxylia and Orisod ingredients issued from the fermentation technology.
Kronuit and BelAge help balancing body enzymes and blood sugar in the long term, providing more energy and less obesity.
Sanki Mayor formulas are based on the chronobiology concept, a field of biology that examines periodic cycles. Liver biological rhythm distinguishes 2 periods
This is presumably the same Mrs Mizuho Nasu whose anti-oxidant green tea extract (from Mirei International) was available through the Société Française Des Antioxydants. And who serves elsewhere as "Directrice Scientifique de la JAS (Japanese Antioxydant Society)".

Since the JAS domain is registered in France and owned by Ninapharm, and the Society seems to serve little function except to pimp conferences (from its office in the Kanaya Building), cynical and skeptical readers may begin to worry that the JAS is a legal fiction, with no members other than its Scientific Director. And perhaps a few Japanese cultural-chauvinist Mishima fans who mis-heard the name and thought they were joining an Anti-Occident group.
Sock puppets: doin it rong
It is equally hard to discern the membership of the sister organisations, Société Française Des Antioxydants and International Society of Antioxidants in Nutrition and Health, other than Anne-Sophie Mailfert, and Marvin Edeas as shared president. Both are Takayama vehicles, with activities limited to promoting conferences and processing registration fees.² The aroma of sock-drawers begins to permeate the narrative, although I cannot break it into constituent elements.

I had begun to suspect a Potemkin-Village nature for the Task-force for Infectious Diseases, since they are also domiciled in that over-populated Kanaya Building office (with a Céline Joubet / Takayama domain), from where they Target Infectious Diseases by advertising conferences. "Who is their contact person, Dr Reiko Suzuki?" I wondered.
But then it developed that someone of that name participated in a French nutriceutical exhibition in 2012 under the wing of Bejit Edeas, sharing her experience on “Innovation applied to everyday life of Japanese seniors”. There her affiliation was listed as “Professor, Mirei international”. I was embarrassed to have doubted her existence, even fleetingly. I was also impressed that in Japanese academia, professorships can be bestowed by a tea-export company.

Dr Bejit Edeas is brother of Marvin, and Scientific Director of the Sanki-Mayor that we encountered above. He and Mizuho Nasu are due at a group discussion at a fringe-medicine show, as panel members, if you happen to be in Paris at the Palais des Congrès in October. He appears in misspelt form as 50% of the Oceanic Science Institute:
General manager : Dr Yuki Ikeda
Scientific Director : Dr Bejit IDEAS
Dr Bejit is a Ninapharm stalwart... that company may trace its history to Versailles and Marie Antoinette, and is as Parisian as poodles and Oh là là, but it has a Japanese branch, with Dr Bejit as chairman. Surely you remember him from his co-authorship of two papers in a neutraceutical trade journal --
-- that allowed Ninapharm to make claims about clinical benefits in their advertising for ActiSOD and OXYlia. The “Synergetic mixed nutritional ingredients” being beans, olives and rosemary.

At sankiglobalnetwork.wordpress.com we learn that
These human clinical trials are internationally recognized by the Pasteur Institute of Scientific Research and are published in the Pharmacist’s Reference Encyclopedia of Medications. 
Sadly, neither the P.I.S.R. nor the Pharmacist's Reference Encyclopedia exist; perhaps they are bleed-through from a parallel reality, or vestiges of an otherwise-suppressed alternative past. That website also provides a decorative CV:
Dr. Bejit Edeas, Scientific Director of Sanki-Mayor, was nominated for the 2003 Nobel Prize in Chemistry.
Presumably on the basis of his publication history. In addition,
  • Director of the Japanese Society of Antioxidants
  • Affair Manager of the Pasteur Institute of Japan
  • Member of International Society of Antioxidants in Nutrition and Health (ISANH)  since 1998
The source for this information is not wholly reliable, for it stems from Bejit's day job, as CEO of Sanki-Global -- parent company of Sanki-Mayor -- which spruiks Ninapharm products through Multi-Level Marketing. As any fule kno, in the MLM business model the responsibility of bullshitting about products and signing up suckers devolves upon the previous tier of suckers (sorry “Independent Wellness Advisers”), but someone needs to give them a template for the bullshit. Such templates are a genre where no-one expects an over-scrupulous adherence to mere facts.

ANYWAY you will be glad to know that
Dr. Marvin Edeas, one of our key scientists, was also nominated for a Nobel Prize in Medicine for his work on Targeting the Mitochondria.
Indeed, Dr Marvin has worked in real science (on Superoxide Dimutases) and authored numerous papers, some of them so important that they appeared two or three times. Was he the "internationally-renowned anti-oxidant specialist" who helped Ninapharm establish Axialys? It would be irresponsible not to speculate. He organised a conference on SOD in 1998, and evidently enjoyed it so much that he founded Takayama that same year and has been founding scholarly societies and chairing their meetings and staking out domains ever since.

Some of these monetise his core interests, like the World Mitochondrial Society and the accompanying journal and yearly World Congresses. Or the International Society of Microbiota (chaired by Dr Yuki Ikeda of Oceanic Science Institute, from her Kamaya Bldg. office). The ISANH holds yearly Congresses on merchandisable plant-based antioxidant polyphenols (the Oceanic Science Institute was a sideshow at the 2015 Malta meeting). From there the circle widens rapidly, through weight-loss and diabetes / obesity and sugar substitutes, hence the World Stevia Organization. Not to forget the
Digital Olfaction Society and the Targeting Infectious Diseases group, which leads into an opportunistic burgeoning of Targeting-disease-of-the-month sites and congresses, all the way to Targeting Ebola 2015. "Targeting hair loss" suggests that the disease does not have to be mortal, although the site was never developed.

In theory there are journals, immortalising the Abstracts of conference attendees. Back in April the Takayama Publishing Group showed five journals; while at the end of June, Jeffrey Beall recorded eight. Only three are presently shown, and DOIs go nowhere, bad luck for authors and presenters!
Gone!


There are no end of other Takayama / Edeas projects for readers who want to go dumpster-diving. "Fertility-site.com" sounds intriguing but in practice is a placeholder, advertising a 2014 conference that seems to have never happened. "Femininehygiene-site.com" advertises the "Overweight & Obesity World Congress 2013 - Paris, France" (otherwise non-existent). I am somehow inspired to invent "Potemkin Village -- the Game", a Monopoly knock-off where the idea is acquire an entire section of domains and construct websites on them.

In these endeavours Edeas is assisted by Céline Joubet, whom we already met... she may be related to Rouby Joubet, a co-author and Takayama press contact who owns four of the Takayama domains. We have also met Céline Mercier. Also Céline Mailfert, who may be related to Anne-Sophie; and Céline Duval, who owns anti-oxidant / cosmetology domains on behalf of Ninapharm (along with Jacques Burin and others). Yuri Hatanaka handles the Mirei International side.³ I wonder how they keep all the Célines straight. Céline Duval has the advantage of being real; she is pomegranate researcher at Axialys, earning her the prestigious Malta Pomegranate Award from ISANH at the 2009 Malta Polyphenols Congress to recognise her contributions in making up total tosh.


Me, I have had enough of all this. If anyone wants me I will be in the Victorian Retrofuture, watching the tennis on my Telephonoscope.

FULL DISCLOSURE: Much of this saga has already appeared, with more information and different contributors, at ScholarlyOA. I would hate to commit plagiarism all inadvertent.
------------------------------------------------------------------
1. In 2000,
Third dimensional color television will be so commonplace and so simplified at the dawn of the 21st century that a small device will project pictures on the living room wall so realistic they will seem to be alive. The room will automatically be filled with the aroma of the flower garden being shown on the screen.
2. Also, bestowing a "Best Slimming Ingredient" award to Ninapharm (for OXYLIA®). Awarding oneself a prize hardly seems something to boast about, any more than nominating oneself for a Nobel Prize, or masturbation, although as bloggers we know nothing of such activities.

3. Yuri appeared on the scene at ISANH's 2nd International Conference on Stevia Applications (Malta, 2010) where she was recruiting members for the International Association of Stevia. For some reason the IAS never came into actual existence (despite having the domain all set up), and instead the World Stevia Organization became the designated Stevia-related Edeas / Takayama affiliate.

The Huge Manatee

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We, here at the Riddled Institute of International Politics and Polychete Skin Mitochondria Analysis are always quite interested in that reservoir of electoral infection by RWNJ, Australia (hereafter known as The Fuckitude).
This last weekend the good folks of Aus have been doing the election Hokey Cokey and have, indeed, shaken it all abart. Not content with rejecting the current Morons-in-power, they have rejected the opposition as well, leaving Aus in the "Somalia scenario" of not actually, technically, in the sense of having  elected one recently, having a government.
Many Australians are unconcerned by this and continue on their daily rounds, unaware of the futility of their tasks while no government is there to scare them with stories of  invasions by Musselmen and/or starving brown skinned persons. I mean what is the point, people, if someone wearing an ethnic beanie doesn't cause you to wet yourself when they get on your bus???
Now, of course, Aussietrailya is well supplied with persons of sound mind and good heart and some of them may have sneaked past the politics filters (Penny Wong) and been elected (god knows what is going on over there) but some of the more "colourful" characters of recent times have shambled back into parliament, particularly into the senate, where underpants being worn on the head will soon become So Last Year. These are people who would be kicked out of North Carolina for being a bit "old fashioned".
All of this is of some concern to the reigning Prime Monster, Malcolm Turnbull, who gave a wonderfully spiteful and "it wasn't my fault" non-victory speech at 1am on Sunday morning. Never was a chap in more need of a cup of tea and a lie down.
But he will not get one since the counting of votes and configuring of Who You Meant To Vote For enters the Byzantine realms of the Australian Electoral Commission. Abandon hope hope all ye who enter there and remember to take some choccy biscuits for Ceberus, artificial sweeteners please, as he is watching the diet.
I have a theory, which is mine, that The AEC does not want to pay overtime to the scribes and thus cannot start back on the counting until Tuesday. Which is, according to newspapers in Nastyralia, worse than Hitler.
Interestingly the ruling Liberal/ National arsehole party have begun to fall out with two of their biggest and best journalistic bottom wipers, Andrew Bolt and Alan Jones. Truly the end times are upon us. Mr.Jones got called a "grub" on national TV on election night by an MP and Bolt is calling for Turnbull to be made into soap, I think.
The current state of play is that the so-called Left is two seats ahead of the Rightly Right with 13 seats undecided. If those undecideds go the way that the Aust. Broadcasting Corporation predicts it will  be tied on 72 seats each and they need 76 to win. Thus the hand-rubbing with glee of the Independent MPs. Those normally go with the Right so I would expect that Australia is in for 4 more years of Scummy government. I could be wrong, I could be right (J.Lydon).
Which is kinda the point here since both major parties are pledged to continue the barbaric treatment of migrants. Yeah there was talk of Medicare being dismantled and cold showers being compulsory but in the end, same ole same ole for the most vulnerable.
It is all a bit much but will, at least, keep Mr. First Dog on the Moon in regular employment.

Fireworks going off in her head #2

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Come, fireworks, and land on Trump!
While he's speaking on the stump,
He is not worth a toxic dump.
Swarm over, Death!

Why Call Them Back From Heaven?

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Here at the Riddled Research Laboratory and Boutique Sauerkraut Manufactory we are familiar with the fact that Death brings no peace or surcease from academic labours. For the Necromantic Publishers of Naat are cruel and without mercy, and use dark arts to raise up the dead from their unquiet graves and conscript them to Editorial Boards.
So it came as no surprise to find this vile practice in use at Cellular and Molecular Biology -- from the Augean OMICS stable -- where the Editorial Board boasts of the 22 Nobel Laureates who lend it their scholarly gravitas by serving as Honorary Editors. Also the Press Release. Of these 22, Ilya Prigonine, Christian de Duve and Harold Kroto died in 2003, 2013 and 2016 respectively (although this makes them no more unaware than the remaining 19 physicists and chemists of the honour that was bestowed upon them).
Our prestigious list of Editors
There are also 19 non-Laureate members of the Editorial Board, identified only by last names, whose state of animation is therefore indeterminate; and the nonagenarian Founder and Owner, Prof. Raymond J. Wegmann, who appears to handle all the final decisions. The journal boasts of archives going back to Volume 43 in 1997, although most of the years are serving suggestions only, and actually accessible issues do not begin until Vol 60 in 2014.

It did come as a surprise, though, to find another version of Cellular and Molecular Biology with the same ISSN identifier (based in France, and non-OMICS), with only 14 Honorary Editors -- 10 living Nobel Laureates and four dead ones, i.e. a 29% postmortem exploitation rate [note Pierre-Gilles de Gennes, d. 2007]. Although there can't be much for them to do: until recent months, the journal followed a disruptive unconventional peer-review model in which the responsibility of choosing appropriately qualified and disinterested reviewers for a contribution, and of checking that any criticisms they made were adequately addressed in revisions, devolved upon the author:
The Author himself searches his own Peer Reviewers (PRs), but has to follow precise indications, staying in contact with them until the end. Each paper needs the acceptance by 2 PRs. One of these PRs should be obligatorily from USA.
There is a hybrid funding model, in which contributors are billed with a €185 processing fee, while the journal's readership can pay €35 for access to each article (or €700 for a year subscription). Though not many readers bother with the fees, since the download  link to an article is determined by its position in the publishing schedule and the corresponding author's name.

Anyway, the relationship between the rival name-sharing journals is not entirely collegial:
It has to be stated that the cybercriminal robber of my journal, named Maixent, a heavily condemned former professor, ejected from the university like a lousy dog, deprived of all his titles and functions has had the cheek to publish in my journal in an inaccurate and misleading anouncement in favour of the election of another hoodlum named CHEALLAIGH who is even not a biologist. The hoodlum Maixent will be condemned to have published this page abusively without my permission
This vituperative denunciation may have lost something in the translation from your actual French. The original, I imagine, was full of Captain-Haddock-style blistering-barnacles pictographs of hatred and contempt, or the corresponding emoji
 .
A similar theme emerges in the first paper in the OMICS recension, where the only thing missing from the title is a reference to the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton.
It is a tale of betrayal and intrigue and usurpation, with Prof. Wegmann in the role of the scabrous Barquentine, and his nemesis Maixent cast as Steerpike. Although there is no climactic confrontation ending with them locked in an embrace, plummeting in flames from the tower window into the dark moat waters far below, chiz chiz. The script-writers will have to buck up their ideas if they want the franchise to be extended for another season, for there is stiff competition from reality, if I may grace UK politics with that term.

Evidently this is not the first attempt to wrest control of CMB from the Professor's grasp. The first occurrence of a human serpent worming its way into his confidence, only to betray him with ingratitude, made it easier for the same thing to happen again (in accordance with Sheldrake's morphogenetic field).

Abstract
It is the story of the manner with which the most dishonest publishing company of the world, Elsevier, with the help of an abominable traitor issued from my editorial board, named M.A.Q. Siddiqui, from the New York City University, as well another disgusting traitor, this time issued from the university of Poitiers, Jean-Michel Maixent have both groups stolen my journal with the most ashaming underworld tricks. I explain how they have proceeded in the perspective of exactly the same objectives : to become the owners of the terms “Cellular and Molecular Biology®”whose principles have revolutioned the biology and to earn a great amount of money from its world reputation and its uses.
Now my fight continues against Maixent, who has cheated me in an incredible manner in 2006, whereas I am still waiting for an end judgment, having been able, thanks to a young indo-american publishing company named OMICS to overcome the blockade made by Maixent and by the President of the Court of Poitiers, a female judge called Lacoste who has helped the criminal Maixent to block my web site until to-day. Maixent will finish tragically his life as well as all those implicated in the robbery of my journal.
This is what academic monkey-knife-fights used to look like in the good old days, before the pall of animal-welfare political-soundness fell across the sport, and regulatory authorities insisted on the use of sporks

Thousands of burning washing machines still at large

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I am  not making this up.

Then Harald [Hardradi] hit upon an expedient. He made his bird-catchers catch the small birds washing machines which had their nests within the castle, but flew into the woods by day to get food for their young. He had small splinters of tarred wood bound upon the backs of the washing machines, smeared these over with wax and sulphur, and set fire to them. As soon as the washing machines were let loose they all flew at once to the castle to their young, and to their nests, which they had under the house roofs that were covered with reeds or straw. The fire from the washing machines seized upon the house roofs; and although each washing machine could only carry a small burden of fire, yet all at once there was a mighty flame, caused by so many washing machines carrying fire with them and spreading it widely among the house roofs. Thus one house after the other was set on fire, until the castle itself was in flames. Then the people came out of the castle and begged for mercy...

Secretions

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Early-stage-dementia old men dribbling on the drapery?
There are precedents. It must be a tradition, or an old charter or something.

If the conventions continue to be observed, this will not end well.

Go home, Interducts, you are drunk

Ram Testicle Palpation Explained by Prime Minister.

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Four Why? Men. Picture Stolen from Metro magazine


Warning to all citizens: If these men come to your house do not let them in. Do not sign any papers they may present. Put headphones on and sing along with the music until they are gone.
These folks are (left to right) NZ Attorney General Chris Finlayson, Minister of Bribes to Saudi Arabia Murray McCully, Prime Minister "What me, worry" John Key and Minister for Up Your Nose with a Garden Hose Gerry Brownlee.
Finlayson is doing his best to control his temper at being asked to be in the same room as these morons whose three combined brains do not equal 1/4 of his super-intellect and steely resolve. Disturbingly he has done some good work on Maori land negotiations but has the most vituperative language when questioned about anything.
"What's the time Mr. AG". "You would ask that, you worthless piece of slime. Can't you see I'm busy?"
McCully has done sterling work in getting rid of excess money in trying to placate Saudi businessmen who just revealed last week that 1) They hadn't been going to take the NZ government to court and 2) Come and take all these dead sheep and bones away WTF is wrong with you people?
McCully seems to have bravely taken on the project of pumping money and sheep at the Saudis with no help, or even knowledge about the jolly wheeze, from the rest of the government. Murray may survive the unseemliness as the twitter verse swirls around what sort of photos he has that make him invulnerable.
Dear Leader Key is doing one of his classic deflections (it is always misdirection) as, perhaps, a journalist asks him a question that has an answer that hasn't been focus groped to submission by his PR firm and his minders. Ha ha, silly old AK no one asks those questions any more. Mr Key has taken to blaming the banks for the housing Not-a-Crisis in NZ at the moment  in a plaintive "What can I do" sort of manner. He is a prisoner of cruel fate just like all of us and if he didn't have a house in Hawaii he would be forced to live in NZ and that would be just awful.
Mr. Brownlee is doing his best Easter Island moai impersonation because that is less trouble than when he talks and all them words come out and basically It Is Not Fair. A couple of weeks ago Mr Brownlee informed a breathless nation that the new Convention Centre that the government was going to build in Christchurch in a partnership with a private firm was actually going to be on their own after all. We were just silly to think that it was a going to be a partnership after years of being told it was going to be one because reasons.
The government is looking a little shaky at the moment due to various inept or, in McCully's case, actual breaking the law cases. But I'm sure that will not be reflected in the polls due to John Key's a good bloke you'd like to have a beer with.

Mushroom of the Future

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Just look at my fine Agrocybes parasitica!
With C.O.U.S. for scale:
Mrs Spat agrees that they taste delicious.

Just Kidding

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"Oh" the New Zild tax department might say, "there is that Another Kiwi pulling himself up by his own, and others, bootstraps and getting paid income and such. Surely the free markets, MGBTN, have no finer example of rewarding the fecklessness of some people."
And it is true, paid income and such has been happening in frightening amounts of hours if not in terms of your actual money. One finds oneself in the forefront of the New Economy and having 3, yes, THREE, zero hours contracts! Unheard of amounts of coins are falling down the edges of the New Zild societal couch.
One must also make a strong recommendation for accepting any offers of Steamed Potato tasting work. A nice little earner and free steamed potato. I kid you not. Also milkshake lollies, for free, what a time to be alive!
In an attempt to spread the new found wealth of nations throughout the nation I sallied forth to a coffee kiosk which is cunningly situated right alongside the pathway from the carpark to the lecture theatres at the university where I am triply blessed.
 Noticing that there was no one else waiting there and with the same spirit of daring-do that inspired me to pull my straps up through my boots I vouchsafed to the kiosk inmate that I would like some coffee.
"Certainly, good sir" that unfortunate replied "and may I say that you have the scruffy old geezer look down good and proper"
"Why thank you" I answered "I have been tasting steamed potatoes"
"Ah hah" he said and stepped behind the safety shield provided to all who have to deal with uncaffeinated students.
Whilst he unlocked the bean safe and filled out the forms for the sugar dispensing unit my mind resumed it's usual flibbertigibbet motion around various projects that I am involved in now..
How had the 19 rabbits got into the -20C freezer during 2009? No one remembers putting them in there and the rabbits would not have been able to write "2009 Rabbits" on the side of the bag. And why did they all decide to hop in there? 2009 was not a great year but hardly bad enough for a mass rabbit "Bugger this, we are all going to freeze ourselves". Or was it? I confess to being somewhat out of the loop in Leporidae current affairs.
Maybe 2009 was a bad year for rabbits being one year after the Global Financial Crisis which may have impacted on the price of carrots.
Or was it some rabbit equivalent of Charles Manson "Look if we all hop in the bag and throw ourselves in the freezer, the pigs will all just go away". I just don't know. Maybe the unexplained Stoat at the other end of the freezer could tell us.
Also I was pleased to see plenty of Taq Polymerase in there and a "Cloning Kit"
Then my mind was sharply interrupted by a message on the Coffee kiosk radio. Apparently 50,000 Kiwis had gone missing in the last 10 years! I was surprised having heard nothing of the loss of a provincial centre amount of people. You would think someone would say something i.e. "Oh look Taupo has gone. That's unusual". And not such a bad thing, maybe some people, not me, would say.
But no, the Deep Voiced Radio Person assured me it was not an actual place but BEEBIES!
This, I thought, was really bad. People get quite attached to their children and marauding Vikings stealing them would lead to societal problems down the line.
Where would they keep them I wondered, in big camps?  Wouldn't someone say something.? Perhaps, and this is entirely possible, it is some new society thing I don't know about such as Pokemon Go.
 I know that Scandinavian countries have good child-care provisions but does that run to marauded babies?
Deep Voice Radio person then told me the whole story. IT WAS ABORTIONS!! Stealing away potential kiwis and causing irreparable damage to something or another. If I felt strongly enough about this I should send money to them because it is very expensive to have Deep Voiced Radio People telling me about the loss of potential kiwis.
I wanted to ask DVRP about how the extra 50,000 would fit in given that we don't have enough houses for those that didn't get stolen by marauding abortionists.
Is there an empty town somewhere in NZ with bitter town planners still waiting, waiting.
This is when I started to laugh, of course, since the grift is always amusing and in terms of effectiveness the action it takes is similar to farting at a hurricane. NZ has moved on a bit, in general while, of course, there are always some rubes to be fleeced.
I wondered how the radio for the kiosk is chosen, noting that the inmate had earphones on and was crouched over a laptop when I arrived and making disc spinning DJ motions with his hands. Certainly he did not say "Here's your coffee, how about those 50,000 potential children then?""Buy them a potential coffee" I would have cheerfully replied.

Strange shapes light up the sky

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Let the record show that none of us at the Riddled Research Institute has experimented with creating buds with artificial light. Especially not GroLux tubes.

This why we are not being published in Proc R Soc B:

Light pollution
Disappointingly, ffrench-Constant et al. fail to cite the pioneering speculations of Joyce, J. (1920):

Bonus streetlight pollution
But as Hugh Kenner reported, Joyce's characters were in turn inspired by (and failed to cite) an article on page 1 of the Dublin Evening Telegraph of Bloomsday (June 16, 1904) on "queer things which happen to flowers when they are exposed to the electric light". So we can hardly condemn ffrench-Constant et al. Such is the low state of scholarship in the our fallen academic world today.

God Win

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Teh Dim-Post (a New Zealand political-humour blogger) has a bleg:
I am now obsessed with and addicted to reading about the US election campaign. My favourite commentator at the moment is democratic blogger Josh Marshall– but who else is good? I’d be very interested in reading an intelligent informed right-wing perspective, if that’s even a thing in contemporary US politics.
I have referred him to the works of William L. Shirer.

Happy 21st Birthday, Doktorling Sonja!

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This doesn't mean that we will let you drive the family car.
Even now the Frau Doktorin is festooning the house with balloons and glitter in preparation for your return from university.
Just don't feel obliged to shock us with a new piercing, or with a scanty costume like last time.

Cis-Sylvania has been marginalised in popular culture and never receives its fair share of attention

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What, is it time again already for another yarn of malfeasance and academic parasitism such as will chill your heart to its cockles and your marrow to the bone? A yarn nigh-indistinguishable from the 17 droll anecdotage of scamferences and mockademic journals previously covered by Riddled? Scoff if you must, but what singles out the story this time, and increases its entertainment value by some small quantum, is the presence of the Transylvanian Review.

Just look at this crap!
The Romanian editors of that fine forum for Balkan historical-biographical exegesis have enough to deal with, what with sophomoric bloggers going all "Fnar fnar 'Transylvanian', is all Dracula and Carpathian castles amirite?". But in addition, the TR fell victim to identity theft, in early 2015. That is, the bottom-feeding douchebags and doodlehums who specialise in that con-job set up their own TR website (an insultingly generic design) -- stealing the original version's ISSN and back-catalog of cover art, and the editors' names -- and announced that it was henceforth an Inter- disciplinary, Indiscriminate journal that would publish any old crap about small pieces of green putty found in the authors' armpits. Then waited for the money to roll in from Open Access Processing fees, relying on the actual TR's good repute and recognised status. Causing some confusion to certain members of the Riddled staff, who understood "inter-disciplinary" to mean the down-time at the Velvet Vice when Madame Whiplash takes her contractual lunch-hour and coffee-breaks, but I digress.

An earlier victim of journal-jacking was "Sylwan".* There is an pattern emerging: forest-related publications are especially at risk.

Which brings us to the IOSRD, the International Organisation for Scientific Research & Development. Because their activities include an Digital Library. Rather than contents, this has aspirations. Unaccountably, those aspirations specify the cultural and historical resources of a certain Sylvan state (rather than, say, South India). I am inclined to ascribe this to the workings of the Morphogenic Field:
The IOSRD Digital Library (IDL) is a state-wide metadata repository for digital resources created by Pennsylvania libraries, museums, educational institutions, and other cultural heritage organizations. IDL provides researchers with an aggregated search interface for these digital materials. This search tool will increase exposure to Pennsylvania's digital resources and make them more available on the open Web.
IDL was created and is maintained by The International Organization of Scientific Research and Development's (IOSRD) Library System, under the auspices of the IOSRD Advisory Committee on Collaborative Digitization...
Sounds legit!
The IOSRD also boasts a stable of 44382394398 asses journals (at last count), covering hotly-disputed topics, with the Journal of Battlespace, the Journal of Feminist Geography, the Global Journal of Mechatronics... but so far (alas) no Journal of Golliwology.
The International Journal of Engineering has two years of actual archives, and an Editorial Board, but it is the exception: the vast majority of the IOSRD stable are mere place-holders, quantum-fluctuation virtual particles, with only a Cover Page of stolen uncredited artwork to delay their return to the zero-energy vacuum.**

But I must respectfully disagree with Jeffrey Beall (world's toughest milkman librarian) when he characterises IOSRD as a predatory publisher. The organisation occupies a different niche in the ecosystem of academic grifting, somewhere between Scamference Organiser and Predatory Journal Portal.***

Behold the use of Algerian on IOSRD's conference invitations, in accordance with the prophecy (or perhaps in imitation of the scammers at IORD, who are better-established despite lacking the "Scientific" in their title). The logo at the bottom -- of the grandiloquently-titled publisher money-hole American-Eurasian Network for Scientific Information -- is in recognition of a mutually-profitable collaboration. AENSI extrudes a geographically-diverse range of journals such as the Australian Journal of Basic and Applied Sciences and American-Eurasian Journal of Sustainable Agriculture, which is not bad for some mook in Jordan with a day-job in agronomy.

So attendees at the Fifth International Conference on Recent Trends in Engineering, Science and Management could pony up $150 (R5000) or $210 (R7000) (on top of the $120 Registration Fee) for their presentation to appear in the List-2 or List-3 journal of their choice. The lists are short, and the journals parade before us displaying their charms in the manner of the talent at a high-class bordello.

I hasten to add that they are not all from AENSI. The World Applied Science Journal, for instance, oozes out of IDOSI, a rival member of the junk-journal industry more closely associated with IORD, it is grifting all the way down. The common theme is that when grifters manage to slip their scamsites onto a whitelist of approved publications, accredited for purposes of promotion and tenure -- in this case, the Annexure-II whitelist from Anna University -- then it is time to make out like bandits.

For more desperate scamference attendees, there is also List-4, providing the option of their work appearing in an IOSRD journal chosen from the 256 available [List 4 is a few weeks out-of-date] for a mere US$45 (R1500); or in a new bespoke journal, with new and suitably-acquiescent peer-reviewers, if none of the off-the-shelf versions are appropriately specialised.

But I see you're getting bored. Here, meet some of the International Members of the IOSRD Editorial Board:
Kimberly Villarreal, Eula Bridges, Sariyah Miles, Florence Carson, Prof. Missy Castro,
Assistant Professor Brittney Guy,
Vienna Crawford, Chelsea Flowers, Jewell Noble, Nya Ferrell, Lorrie Mcconnell
These fragrant ladies, with their names from bad porn movies and their Drupaler-org e-addresses, appear to be spambots or sex-site chatbots.

Here are some awesome names, strangely echoic in format and punctuated with sound-effects as if heard over a bad phone connection:
Sherryduh Sherryduh SherryduhNF, Japan
Jeffreysinc Jeffreysinc JeffreysincMU, Uruguay
TaylorNeap TaylorNeap TaylorNeapOE, Madagascar
Prof. VL Conniedror, Assitant Professor, New Zealand
WillieOr WillieOr WillieOrLG, Latvia
Kennethhaw Kennethhaw KennethhawYY, Switzerland
Williamsax Williamsax WilliamsaxIG, Somalia
Fuectuctjag Fuectuctjag FuectuctjagLO, Equatorial Guinea
WeleEi WeleEi WeleEiHG, Hong Kong
Stevenma Stevenma StevenmaHI, Afghanistan
Miltonhuri Miltonhuri MiltonhuriQV, Czech Republic
Prof. EE CharlesKict, Switzerland
KengoDifs KengoDifs Neil, Latvia
KulyFusa KulyFusa Kyle, Kyrgyzstan
Prof. CulaItah Audrey, Grenada
PolkCick PolkCick Jessica, Anguilla
Prof. Valygese Chase, Assistant Professor, Nigeria,
Prof. Ykuldiep Carlos, Assistant Professor, Ukraine
AmorBuig AmorBuig Juan, Armenia
Klopgota Klopgota Julian, UK
Prof. Birenmync Arianna, Canada
Matthewmr Matthewmr MatthewmrUC, Japan
Hermansego Hermansego HermansegoVZ, France
Prof. O.M. Andrewcaw, Djibouti
Prof. SG DeshawnMn, Assistant Professor, Samoa
Prof. OpusTeft Alexander, Hungary
Prof. V.H. Alfrhoony, Australia
Richardbep Richardbep RichardbepTZ, Tokelau
What brings this multinational crew together is that their e-addresses or home websites take one to on-line pill-mills for v1@gra and c1al1s. I hate to seem bigotted against pill-pimp scamshops and chatbots but perhaps they aren't the people I want editing and reviewing my scholarly opuscule.

Not to forget
Reciban Saludos y Agradezco invitacion Marin Rafael Martinez Venegas, FT - Martinez, Peru 
who has a truly impressive title, unless it means "Thank you for the invitation".

But wait, there is still List-1 from ICRTESM! It is longer, comprising 45 even more diverse journals, accompanied by higher publication fees (US$700 / R46000) befitting their greater prestige.
Some might cavil, and ask how the IOSRD committee can guarantee publication in (say) the Australian journal of structural engineering[which does not in fact charge a publication fee]. But wait -- there is no such guarantee -- for in contrast to the other lists, it is the IOSRD committee who pick the List-1 journal most applicable to a paper, not the author. Their choice might be made easier by the presence of the hijacked Transylvanian Review in the middle of the otherwise-alphabetic list, at #28, slipped in as if to be less noticeable. Is it irresponsible to expect the next Special Issue of the TR to contain the Proceedings of ICRTESM-2016?

The TR identity theft has not yet come to the notice of Anna University, but scamference conmen are certainly aware of it, almost as if they consult Beall's predatory-publisher blogging when they're choosing which journal-shaped trash-bins to bundle into the package when pimping out their meetings.

The Journal Manager at IOSRD evidently reads Beall's blog.
disgruntled customer 'Sachin'
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In other junk-journal news, the chemtrails have been in the news lately. Here at Riddled Research Laboratory and Tardigrade Obedience School, we incline towards the theory that those meshworks in the sky are the work of Invisible Sky Spiders.

Foteaux credit: J. Marvin Herndon
Here are some drag-and-drop spiders to make up for their invisibility:

There has been surprisingly little research into using the aberrant features of any particular sky-web to deduce which drugs the spider has been taking. We are working to fill this gap and intend to present our findings at the next International Conference on Researches in Science, Management and Engineering.

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* No, Autocorrect, I do not mean 'Sybian'.

** The Journal of Black Holes image turns out to hail from the University of Warwick (who credit Mark Garlick for the artwork). Perhaps the IOSRD seek to emulate the Journal of Cosmology, specialists in that Christian Psychedelic-Rock Album-Cover style of graphic design.

*** There is also an element of pyramid scheme / multilevel marketing, for enthusiastic would-be editors who are keen to do IOSRD's work for them can establish their own journals under IOSRD's auspices, paying only $160 / year for use of the freeware Open Journal Systems platform. With additional but unspecified charges if the eager wannabee wants to provide the new journal with “Doi, Cross Reference, CC Atribution 4, Language editing, Plagiarism testing”.

New plagiarism scandal looms

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Donald Trump said Wednesday he would consider recognizing Crimea as Russian territory and lifting the sanctions against the country if he’s elected president.
The settlement of the Czechoslovakian Crimean problem, which has now been achieved is, in my view, only the prelude to a larger settlement in which all Europe may find peace. This morning I had another talk with the German Chancellor Russian Premier, Herr Hitler Putin, and here is the paper which bears his name upon it as well as mine. 

My good friends, for the second time in our history, a British Prime Minister an American President has returned from Germany Russia bringing peace with honour. I believe it is peace for our time.

Russian referrer spammers take over from Ukrainians

Alvin and the problem with steel.

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In a vastly troubled world where every man and his dog is eating every other man and his dog and telling them it's for their own good and "whattsa matter you don't like hotdogs??", what pray tell of New Zild? Shining bacon of hope and whatsit. Personally I mistrust shining bacon but it's an ill wind that blows on all rising boats equally.
Well we have a housing crisis that has been avoided only by the brave actions of our spectator government paying 12 families about $5000 each to leave Auckland. We do not know the identities of the 12 Families of the Houspocalypse but no doubt we shall as soon the expert kerners and amateur defectives of talkback radio get on the case. Thus we shall have it proven that ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
If the government can have a large enough lever inserted underneath its arse maybe they will get off the couch and start building houses for people. Call me a naive and sentimental fool but I thought that if there was not enough houses for the number of people in a country, the country could build more. But then I am not a "government that listens to people and gets things done"
One of the things the guvnors could use to build building would be Chinese steel. Why Chinese steel you might well ask, all the while knowing that the answer will be "because it's cheaper". Which is, indeed, the very answer.
Of course such steel would have to be tested to make sure that it does the supporting work inherent in the name supporting structures, and that testing would be more rigorous than a bloke signing a form to get the bloody steel out of the yard before Mr Poopy Dragon's Breath comes and shouts at me. But sadly this appears not to be the case. So New Zilders can rest assured that if they want non-falling down houses, bridges and other large structures, bricks look good and you don't have to paint them.
This prompted alarm in the higher levels of our Guvvermint which was, as usual, caught on the hop and this time it was one of the least glowing lightbulbs in the chandelier of Democracy that is the New Zild government, Mr Todd McClay
 
Mr McClay (From his own webpage)

Mr. McClay was told that the Chinese were preparing to slap tariff restrictions on Kiwifruit exports from these sceptred isles if there were investigations into the Amazing Elastic Steel incident. This was a serious "How's Your Father?" from Beijing and would be very much unappreciated by Mr. McClay's constituency who actually have never liked the Chinese since their Great-Great-Grandfather shot a Chinese goldminer and stole his claim. But McClay said nuthin' to no one and kept right on doing Chipmunk impersonations.
So then someone else heard about the Chinese threat and asked the Todd about it to which he gave the standard answer for this governemnt "I don't remember" and then "Nah, no one told me."
This came as a shock to the officials who had told Mr McClay and who did vouchsafe "We did so!!" and pointed out the relevant briefing notes.
"Oh" said Mr Macca, "THOSE briefing notes! I thought you meant....have you ever seen a Chipmunk eating airline food?" Then the actual Chinese government got in on the act and said "We didn't actually make the threat, WTF is wrong with you people?" and went home to drink whiskey and listen to Jazz music.
Fevered clumping around in search of an answer or Machiavellian politician? We report you decide. (No, that's an actual Chipmunk)
All of which is yet more reason for unalloyed happiness to continue to reign in The Happiest Kingdom of Them All and the latest poll results, showing the gubblement more popularer then ever were produced right on cue.
And only two scant weeks until the Olympics when the NZ rowing team will trounce all the weakling teams who can't take a bit of sewage in their drinking water like brave kiwis can. It's gonna be kiwiproud all month, mate. Unless other teams turn up, whereupon we will be all Creditable Effort Folks.
Backdate: NZ government says "Who us, investigate? Ha ha, no way Jose" 



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